Foster's: It's Australian for regional adjustment

I like Foster's. Not the blue one, the traditional can, but the hunter green and gold one. It used to be called "Extra Special Bitter". ESB. Is it bitter? Oh yes. And way better than the regular blue, uh, not-so bitter variety.

But somehow, within the past few months, the name has changed. It's no longer bitter, apparently, but rather "Premium Ale". What they've done is removed the option to choose based on type of flavor and replaced it with a challenge to your ability to taste better flavor.

Obviously Premium is better than not Premium, yes? That's what the word premium means, it's better than those other shitty varieties they have. Yet it costs the same. I find this interesting.

Foster's is almost daring you to buy the version which is, by their own definition, not as good. "Hey listen man, it's up to you, we're giving you two monetarily equal options. Do you want a full-bodied, rich flavor that comes in a can instantly recognizable to every beer snob in town? Or would you rather have 25.4 ounces of hangover in a container which says little more than 'I have no shame.'? It's up to you, friend, we don't judge."

I'm sure the real reason it happened is some lame marketing guy with nothing better to do starting making generalizations based on talking to no one. You know, oh Americans are turned off by the word "bitter" so let's call it "premium" because Americans always want to buy what they think is the best. Or some bullshit like that.

It's annoying because if someone is looking for a bitter beer, it's real easy to choose when it's written right there on the label. Nobody goes looking for a "premium" beer. And I have asked people about this, marketing guy! I have paperwork and multi-colored folders!

If you'd taken your generalizations a little further you would have realized Americans see the word "premium" and it may as well say "just another". That's how jaded we are! You cannot impress us with such juvenile adjectives.

I know this battle is lost, so I just have one suggestion. And this is cross-promotional. Please attach a little packet of ibuprofen to the blue cans because, seriously, they cause the absolute worst hangovers in history.

Oh hey wait now, rename Foster's Premium to Foster's NH for "No Hangover", then charge a buck more per can and watch that sweet, sweet alcholic money roll in! Now that's how to make a profit.