Fantastic Restaurant Idea #1

Why can't I order a meal to eat-in? You can get to-go and delivery orders till you're blue in the face, but I've never seen anywhere offer phone-ahead dine-in ordering. You can call ahead for reservations at some places, but why can't you just go ahead and place your order then?

I understand some places have daily menus and all but why can't I call up, for instance, Curry House and say, "I'm on my way there now and I'd like a big-ass dosa."? People are always bitching about how long it takes to get the food wherever they are, this would cut that right on out.

And it's not like it'd be that hard to do. Just do it the same way you take a to-go order. Give a name, a time, and there you are. Maybe you can do it, just nobody does; I don't know.

Hell, it would make restaurants even more money because you'd have a higher turnover rate on tables in a given time. Man, if I had a restaurant you'd have to call ahead or it's a no go.

"Party of two, of course sir. And what did you order this evening? Oh, you haven't ordered yet? Perhaps you could wait at the bar until you've decided." It's fucking gold, man!

Welcome to Moe's, you f*cking vegan!

So I go to Moe's, as is my wont, and yet again navigate the gauntlet of toppings slingers who stand between me and my 8lb burrito. The only real option for a vegan at Moe's is the Art Vandalay (hilarious!), which is just a plain ol' bean burrito.

The challenge here comes in the slice of time between the beans being added and the cheese being offered. Actually "offered" is a poor choice; maybe "loaded" is better. I swear the last time I went the guy seriously grabbed a handful of cheese and hunched over the burrito ready to strike.

"NO! NO! NO CHEESE!" It should've been in slo-mo, it was that dramatic. Now I realize for most people the cheese is a formality and maybe one person out of fifty doesn't want it, but that's no reason to make me feel like I'm disarming a nuke back here behind the glass.

The guy was, no joke, dejected that I didn't want the cheese. I can't be sure because I couldn't see his feet, but I think I heard him kicking a tiny tin can.

So what are the options, right? Lettuce, tomato, onions, jalapenos (chopped or sliced), cilantro, olives, and some other shit probably. Oh but what about the grilled vegetables? Hey man they got grilled onion, mushroom, and peppers! Sweet!

What's that? They charge $1 for each one? This is rude on the part of Moe's I think. I mean, I know they gotta charge for shit and make money, but at least combine all three into one mix-grilled vegetable topping for chrissakes. I'd feel a lot less ripped off if I wasn't paying a 1000% markup on a goddamn fungus.

[hours pass]

Wow, I really think about Moe's a lot. Huh. Well, I should go to bed. On top of my wonderment at this critical deconstruction of a semi-Mexican chain restaurant, I'm also getting sick. RocK!

Yes, but wouldn't it better with parmesan?

Is it a new thing for chain restaurants to take perfectly normal food, which otherwise would have little or no need for additional toppings, and just throw parmesan on them?

I noticed this a few weeks ago while at a work lunch over at the Red Robin. They have regular fries, which are perfectly fine, but then they also have parmesan-garlic fries. Would you like to know the main difference between the two? The ones with parmesan taste way saltier and leave your hands all sticky.

Salty, sticky hands may be fine for prom night, but they're completely unnecessary when it comes to fries. And it's not a sweet-sticky either, like you get from eating brownies or soaking your fists in a giant tub of smoothie. No, it's that oily-sticky where, were it possible, you'd wake up with your hands covered in acne.

And then again I saw it at The Baker's Crust this past Sunday. I'm not lying, every menu item's description ended with the phrase "and lightly dusted with parmesan." Even the mozzarella sticks. Even the "Piatto di parmigiano" which is just an empty plate, dusted with parmesan.

I know there's some well-meaning marketing guy working at Baker's Crustcorp (the parent company) whose job is on the line if he can't come up with a new way to sell onion rings, but this just has all the earmarks of laziness. I swear he's sitting around with his buddies somewhere, drinking some parmesan dusted imported brews, bragging about it.

"What next Todd, how can even top yourself?"
"Oh Tad, you silly boy, you know I've always got an ace up my sleeve. An ace in the hole. An ace for all seasons, an ace-"
"Spill it."
"Fried parsley garnish."
*audible gasps*
"Fried flat-leaf parsley garnish."
*slow clap*

And as Todd rides off into the sunset on the shoulders of his equally drunken, facile compatriots, he can be secure in yet another year of repetitive menus featuring fad toppings that people will chug down simply because they're there.

All I'm saying is, if you look at a menu item, and I mean anywhere, I don't care if it's a chain or local, and your first thought is "Why the f*ck would anyone even want to do that?", don't order it.

Beer-battered shrimp? "Oh okay I can see that." Deep fried hot dog taco-panini? "Huh, that doesn't even register with my imagination as being physically possible. Maybe I should skip it." Problem solved.