Lever 6,000,000

So I was flipping through an old Flash Gordon comic book we have sitting around here, checking out the artwork and all, when I noticed the page of ads on the inside cover:



No biggie, right, just a bunch of ads for X-Ray specs, joy buzzers, and various other cheap tricks. But then I noticed this one, right at the bottom down by the order form:



Really? Hitler Soap? Seems a bit crass, and more than a little difficult to implement as a practical joke. It apparently relies heavily upon the assumption that you have a blonde friend with a Hitler moustache already in place. And if you have a friend like that, they'd probably welcome the soap.

But hey, who am I to doubt the marketing folks over at Honor House?

Foster's: It's Australian for regional adjustment

I like Foster's. Not the blue one, the traditional can, but the hunter green and gold one. It used to be called "Extra Special Bitter". ESB. Is it bitter? Oh yes. And way better than the regular blue, uh, not-so bitter variety.

But somehow, within the past few months, the name has changed. It's no longer bitter, apparently, but rather "Premium Ale". What they've done is removed the option to choose based on type of flavor and replaced it with a challenge to your ability to taste better flavor.

Obviously Premium is better than not Premium, yes? That's what the word premium means, it's better than those other shitty varieties they have. Yet it costs the same. I find this interesting.

Foster's is almost daring you to buy the version which is, by their own definition, not as good. "Hey listen man, it's up to you, we're giving you two monetarily equal options. Do you want a full-bodied, rich flavor that comes in a can instantly recognizable to every beer snob in town? Or would you rather have 25.4 ounces of hangover in a container which says little more than 'I have no shame.'? It's up to you, friend, we don't judge."

I'm sure the real reason it happened is some lame marketing guy with nothing better to do starting making generalizations based on talking to no one. You know, oh Americans are turned off by the word "bitter" so let's call it "premium" because Americans always want to buy what they think is the best. Or some bullshit like that.

It's annoying because if someone is looking for a bitter beer, it's real easy to choose when it's written right there on the label. Nobody goes looking for a "premium" beer. And I have asked people about this, marketing guy! I have paperwork and multi-colored folders!

If you'd taken your generalizations a little further you would have realized Americans see the word "premium" and it may as well say "just another". That's how jaded we are! You cannot impress us with such juvenile adjectives.

I know this battle is lost, so I just have one suggestion. And this is cross-promotional. Please attach a little packet of ibuprofen to the blue cans because, seriously, they cause the absolute worst hangovers in history.

Oh hey wait now, rename Foster's Premium to Foster's NH for "No Hangover", then charge a buck more per can and watch that sweet, sweet alcholic money roll in! Now that's how to make a profit.

Does this hurt? How about now?

Tonight as I was putting away some sheets in the linen closet (which could just as easily be called the soccer ball closet, the pet-gate closet, or even the green suede shoes closet) I caught the edge of my left middle fingernail on some sliver of wood hiding in the far back, just by the forehead caving lamp.

A note: if you're ever caught during a power outage, a forehead lamp is great fun to have. It's probably really annoying for anyone who has to look at you, but when you're wearing it you feel this surge of power. Everywhere you look, there is light! As well as people covering their faces because you're blinding them.

So yes, I caught just the edge, the last 1/8th of my fingernail on this little piece of outcropped wood and, um, it hurt. Right now it has that little white line running down the side like what occurs when you're trying to open the packaging on a new electronic device encased in thick plastic. Every little bend and a white line pops up, but it never breaks! Good for nails, bad for getting to that little USB storage device.

Here's where it gets human. Right after I hurt my finger, I quickly withdrew it from the closet and held it in my right hand. And, before I even looked at it, I started squeezing it really hard to see how much it could possibly hurt. Not because I love the feeling of compressed bent fingernails, but because I wanted to see just how hurt I really was.

Does anyone else do this? It's difficult sometimes to know how badly you're injured, you know, with your body doing the whole shock thing or you have an adrenaline rush or beer or whatever, doesn't matter. But my thinking is that if you can handle the pain caused by, I guess you'd call it, "worsening the problem" then you're not that hurt.

Now I'm not saying you jab a wooden skewer into a knife wound and root around or anything, but if you stub your toe or bang your thumb with a hammer or you throw some ice onto a blazing hot glass pan and step in the shards which inevitably end up on your kitchen floor, and you can deal with pressing somewhat firmly on the wound, you'll probably be okay.

Or not, in some cases, I suppose. I mean, if you stick your hand in a vat of hydrofluoric acid you'll be dead before you feel much of anything. So, in conclusion, general advice: bang your thumb, you'll be fine. Hand in a vat of acid, look for a nearby holy man.