A Bitcher's Guide to finding The Hitchhiker's Guide

I went to Barnes & Noble near my work this morning with the express purpose of buying The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, five of the Douglas Adams novels collected all in one volume. I own used copies of the second and third books in the collection already, but I've never read or owned the first.

Here's my problem: I don't particularly care to have the fourth and fifth books of the series since everything I hear about them says they aren't really that great. But, I can't find a new softcover copy of the first book that doesn't have some scene on the cover from the Hitchhiker's Guide movie that was made a few years ago.

I don't know about you, but I don't want my copy of a classic novel to have the "Now a major motion picture" badge of lameness staring at me every time I pick it up. Then there's having to explain to people who see it that I was aware of the series well before the movie so they don't think it was the first I'd heard of it.

What I want is a nice, clean single paperback edition (like they have for all the rest!) that I can tell people is a replacement for the one I brought to college but got lost when I moved. There's a throwback edition out featuring the original cover art, but it's hardcover and I don't really care for hardcover books.

Hardcover books close up too easily; you have to keep them open with both hands and I think that is insulting to those who don't have both of their hands. I don't want to get too into it, but basically it's a human rights issue.

So upstairs at the B&N they do have a softcover copy of The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide, but it's obviously been thumbed-through many times. The front cover curls back like a cow-lick and the bottom corner is all ruffled. Can't buy that.

I start searching around the rest of the Sci-fi section, thinking maybe someone misplaced a second copy. And maybe there was a copy and I didn't see it, because I didn't stick around too long. You see, I don't really like Science Fiction all that much so I didn't want to be seen associated with the whole of the Sci-fi section. It is not an accurate representation of my tastes so I'd hate for it to be taken out of context.

That must happen to other people, right? You're walking around, not really paying attention, and then boom! you're face to face with Lakota Sweatlodge or some other similarly-titled Romance novel. All you need then is one of your many enemies to come walking by and before you know it everyone in the neighborhood thinks you have a thing for perspiring Native Americans.

Number one rule of Barnes & Noble: know your surroundings.

So I head downstairs and look around the bargain section, thinking maybe among the copies of Hollywood Beef Cows and How to Draw Manga for People with No Imagination there may be a loose copy of just what I'm looking for. Sadly, there is nothing.

Well, there is one thing: a hardcover copy of The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide. Why must the fates taunt me so?! Am I asking too much? Is wanting a normal paperback copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy really such a difficult request? If Douglas Adams were alive for this he'd be spinning in his grave.

I'm seriously considering a letter-writing campaign; the time for change has come! Bring back the old cover!

Update! I went to the Barnes & Noble near my house and found the softcover collection. They had two copies.

Does this hurt? How about now?

Tonight as I was putting away some sheets in the linen closet (which could just as easily be called the soccer ball closet, the pet-gate closet, or even the green suede shoes closet) I caught the edge of my left middle fingernail on some sliver of wood hiding in the far back, just by the forehead caving lamp.

A note: if you're ever caught during a power outage, a forehead lamp is great fun to have. It's probably really annoying for anyone who has to look at you, but when you're wearing it you feel this surge of power. Everywhere you look, there is light! As well as people covering their faces because you're blinding them.

So yes, I caught just the edge, the last 1/8th of my fingernail on this little piece of outcropped wood and, um, it hurt. Right now it has that little white line running down the side like what occurs when you're trying to open the packaging on a new electronic device encased in thick plastic. Every little bend and a white line pops up, but it never breaks! Good for nails, bad for getting to that little USB storage device.

Here's where it gets human. Right after I hurt my finger, I quickly withdrew it from the closet and held it in my right hand. And, before I even looked at it, I started squeezing it really hard to see how much it could possibly hurt. Not because I love the feeling of compressed bent fingernails, but because I wanted to see just how hurt I really was.

Does anyone else do this? It's difficult sometimes to know how badly you're injured, you know, with your body doing the whole shock thing or you have an adrenaline rush or beer or whatever, doesn't matter. But my thinking is that if you can handle the pain caused by, I guess you'd call it, "worsening the problem" then you're not that hurt.

Now I'm not saying you jab a wooden skewer into a knife wound and root around or anything, but if you stub your toe or bang your thumb with a hammer or you throw some ice onto a blazing hot glass pan and step in the shards which inevitably end up on your kitchen floor, and you can deal with pressing somewhat firmly on the wound, you'll probably be okay.

Or not, in some cases, I suppose. I mean, if you stick your hand in a vat of hydrofluoric acid you'll be dead before you feel much of anything. So, in conclusion, general advice: bang your thumb, you'll be fine. Hand in a vat of acid, look for a nearby holy man.

My 2007/2008 Premiership Predictions

Back in May I revealed the results of the predictions I had made in August of 2006 about the upcoming Premiership season. I nailed every spot. Not really, but I didn't do too poorly. So now it's August of 2007 and the new season starts this Saturday.

You may be wondering about some of my choices, so here's a short breakdown of why each team is where it is.

Manchester United
They've essentially got Tevez in the side now and I'd be surprised if he isn't top scorer next season. Also, they signed Anderson and Nani, who I can only assume are a ventriloquist act. That's pretty ballsy.

Chelsea
Chelsea haven't been overly active in the transfer market this summer. This is due to the league's new "50/50" rule which states that no more than 50% of your squad can be comprised of either a) national team captains or b) bench warmers whose salary outstrips the GNP of Barbados.

Liverpool
They're number three because I'd feel so bad for them if they didn't make it to at least third based on the sheer volume of players they've bought this summer. I think they're about to start their own league.

Tottenham
They've got about half the English national team among their ranks, which should tell you something. Thank god for Berbatov.

Arsenal
I used to support Arsenal but I was really only into them because of Henry and Bergkamp. I do like Hleb, Rosicky and Gilberto Silva but I don't know if they'll be enough to keep them in the top four. Oh and Van Persie looks like a giant douche.

Blackburn
Most of the team is pretty unknown to me. They seem to win a lot based on sheer brute strength, though, which I think is good to see in the upper leagues. I also heard Robbie Savage is so tough he has dentures made from the teeth he's knocked out of opposition players.

Everton
I don't know, I think David Moyes is too intellectual to be a football manager. On the sidelines he sometimes looks like he's willing his own players to spontaneously combust, such is his disdain for their inferior intellect. He's a firestarter, a Mersey firestarter. That's good enough for 7th place.

Newcastle
How many broken bones are there among the current squad? And that doesn't count the ones Joey Barton has handed out.

Portsmouth
It's the isle of misfit toys down there. All these great players nobody really wanted and Harry Redknapp snaps them up for next to nothing. Plus now they have David Nugent as well. I can't believe it. Kanu?

Aston Villa
Every time I look at the list of teams in the Premiership I always think, "Oh yeah, Villa's in there too!" I don't know why they're so forgettable. Maybe because their kits are so similar to West Ham's. The only person associated with Aston Villa I can think of is Martin O'Neill. That's not a good sign.

Middlesbrough
The only people who care about Middlesbrough must be the ones who live there. They seem to be defined by their opposition. If possible, I would watch every single Middlesbrough game just so I could pay attention to the other team.

Sunderland
I heard all the new summer signings for Sunderland have a "not in the face" clause, to be used exclusively during half-times.

West Ham
They need to shake that moniker, "The Academy". Yeah it's classy and all, but you're just inviting other teams to come raid you. They belong at 13 even though they'll start the season strong. Come January all those guys who took them up to sixth will be bought for Liverpool's twelfth reserve squad.

Wigan
Aside from the fact that I pronounced the name "Wye-gan" until I heard someone on SkySports News say it, I think they've been on a downward slide ever since the end of their first season. Still, they'll be one spot up on (big shock!):

Reading
Yes, Reading is my pick for surprise under-achievers! Why? Well basically I forgot to move them when I was making the chart. Some things you just have to live with and rationalize. I'm going to rationalize big and hope that covers my mistake.

Two words: Dave Kitson. That's right, I said it.

Bolton
I cannot take any team seriously who are managed by someone named Sammy Lee. Sammy Lee is the name of the bass player in a mid-80's hair band. Sammy Lee is second assistant director of marketing. Sammy Lee is the tomboy who wears dirty overalls and cuts her own hair.

Birmingham
I'm glad Steve Bruce was able to bring back Birmingham after their season in the Championship, I just wish he'd decide on a first name. Another semi-anonymous team to me. On the plus side they have Cameron Jerome, who is expected to decide on a first name sometime this week.

Man City
Man City? Why not just get it over with and call yourselves "Sausage Party"? Oh look they're owned by a former Prime Minister of Thailand and managed by the most boring tactician since Sir Francis "Just turn left" Drake! Do they even have any players? Seriously, is there even a team or just a bunch of uniforms laid out on the pitch with a ball nearby?

Fulham
The only, only, reason that Fulham is not dead last on this list is because they have the most kick-ass name ever for a playing ground: Craven Cottage. I don't know why, but I love that name. The team? Fuck them, they'll be lucky if they score an own goal.

Derby
I don't know how you landed Robbie Earnshaw but you had better damn well hope he has the ability to undergo parthenogenesis or you are screwed. Oh he can't? Well, glad you could stop by the Premiership.

So that about does it for this season's predictions. I can't wait until May to see how smart I am! Oh and I can't wait until the season starts, too.