My 2007/2008 Premiership Predictions

Back in May I revealed the results of the predictions I had made in August of 2006 about the upcoming Premiership season. I nailed every spot. Not really, but I didn't do too poorly. So now it's August of 2007 and the new season starts this Saturday.

You may be wondering about some of my choices, so here's a short breakdown of why each team is where it is.

Manchester United
They've essentially got Tevez in the side now and I'd be surprised if he isn't top scorer next season. Also, they signed Anderson and Nani, who I can only assume are a ventriloquist act. That's pretty ballsy.

Chelsea
Chelsea haven't been overly active in the transfer market this summer. This is due to the league's new "50/50" rule which states that no more than 50% of your squad can be comprised of either a) national team captains or b) bench warmers whose salary outstrips the GNP of Barbados.

Liverpool
They're number three because I'd feel so bad for them if they didn't make it to at least third based on the sheer volume of players they've bought this summer. I think they're about to start their own league.

Tottenham
They've got about half the English national team among their ranks, which should tell you something. Thank god for Berbatov.

Arsenal
I used to support Arsenal but I was really only into them because of Henry and Bergkamp. I do like Hleb, Rosicky and Gilberto Silva but I don't know if they'll be enough to keep them in the top four. Oh and Van Persie looks like a giant douche.

Blackburn
Most of the team is pretty unknown to me. They seem to win a lot based on sheer brute strength, though, which I think is good to see in the upper leagues. I also heard Robbie Savage is so tough he has dentures made from the teeth he's knocked out of opposition players.

Everton
I don't know, I think David Moyes is too intellectual to be a football manager. On the sidelines he sometimes looks like he's willing his own players to spontaneously combust, such is his disdain for their inferior intellect. He's a firestarter, a Mersey firestarter. That's good enough for 7th place.

Newcastle
How many broken bones are there among the current squad? And that doesn't count the ones Joey Barton has handed out.

Portsmouth
It's the isle of misfit toys down there. All these great players nobody really wanted and Harry Redknapp snaps them up for next to nothing. Plus now they have David Nugent as well. I can't believe it. Kanu?

Aston Villa
Every time I look at the list of teams in the Premiership I always think, "Oh yeah, Villa's in there too!" I don't know why they're so forgettable. Maybe because their kits are so similar to West Ham's. The only person associated with Aston Villa I can think of is Martin O'Neill. That's not a good sign.

Middlesbrough
The only people who care about Middlesbrough must be the ones who live there. They seem to be defined by their opposition. If possible, I would watch every single Middlesbrough game just so I could pay attention to the other team.

Sunderland
I heard all the new summer signings for Sunderland have a "not in the face" clause, to be used exclusively during half-times.

West Ham
They need to shake that moniker, "The Academy". Yeah it's classy and all, but you're just inviting other teams to come raid you. They belong at 13 even though they'll start the season strong. Come January all those guys who took them up to sixth will be bought for Liverpool's twelfth reserve squad.

Wigan
Aside from the fact that I pronounced the name "Wye-gan" until I heard someone on SkySports News say it, I think they've been on a downward slide ever since the end of their first season. Still, they'll be one spot up on (big shock!):

Reading
Yes, Reading is my pick for surprise under-achievers! Why? Well basically I forgot to move them when I was making the chart. Some things you just have to live with and rationalize. I'm going to rationalize big and hope that covers my mistake.

Two words: Dave Kitson. That's right, I said it.

Bolton
I cannot take any team seriously who are managed by someone named Sammy Lee. Sammy Lee is the name of the bass player in a mid-80's hair band. Sammy Lee is second assistant director of marketing. Sammy Lee is the tomboy who wears dirty overalls and cuts her own hair.

Birmingham
I'm glad Steve Bruce was able to bring back Birmingham after their season in the Championship, I just wish he'd decide on a first name. Another semi-anonymous team to me. On the plus side they have Cameron Jerome, who is expected to decide on a first name sometime this week.

Man City
Man City? Why not just get it over with and call yourselves "Sausage Party"? Oh look they're owned by a former Prime Minister of Thailand and managed by the most boring tactician since Sir Francis "Just turn left" Drake! Do they even have any players? Seriously, is there even a team or just a bunch of uniforms laid out on the pitch with a ball nearby?

Fulham
The only, only, reason that Fulham is not dead last on this list is because they have the most kick-ass name ever for a playing ground: Craven Cottage. I don't know why, but I love that name. The team? Fuck them, they'll be lucky if they score an own goal.

Derby
I don't know how you landed Robbie Earnshaw but you had better damn well hope he has the ability to undergo parthenogenesis or you are screwed. Oh he can't? Well, glad you could stop by the Premiership.

So that about does it for this season's predictions. I can't wait until May to see how smart I am! Oh and I can't wait until the season starts, too.

My 2006/2007 Premiership Prediction Results

Nine months ago today, on August 14th, 2006, I impregnated a slip of paper with my predictions for the upcoming English Premiership season. And today, with the season having ended just yesterday, the fruits of my labor are born.

The first column of numbers in the chart below shows what I predicted the final standings would be; the second column, what they actually are; and the third, how many places off I was. Below the chart are some averages based on certain segments of the results.

I did pretty well on the order of relegation, though that's probably the easiest to guess, given that the most likely to go down are the ones who've just come up from the Championship.

I think I did okay picking who would end up mid-table, but the actual order of mid-table teams is probably an art unto itself. Actually, if I hadn't overestimated Newcastle and underestimated Aston Villa, my average would have been much better.

Thinking Manchester would not make the top 4 was, for me, wishful thinking, as was predicting Arsenal to be the champions. But I made the whole list on a lark to begin with, so not too shabby.

And for one last bit of rationalization, if you switch Arsenal with Man U and Villa with Newcastle, my average for the whole list drops to just 1.7 places off per club. I should be drawing a salary for this.

I'll likely make another set of predictions just before the start of the 2007/08 season; this time based on reality rather than my own prejudices, though. Having said that, I'll probably have Sunderland coming in at 6th.

Maybe I should just make two predictions then. One that I wish it would be (come on, Portsmouth!), and one where I'm honest (Berbatov could really help Arsenal out).

On the deaths (and lives) of English footballers

It's not humorous, of course, when someone dies, but whenever an old English footballer passes I can never wait to read the quotes and tributes.

Invariably, 90% of what's said is about how well they played or how fast they could run or, when they can't think of anything better to say, how they "got everyone involved". Nothing about them as a person, unless you can put it in footballing terms or relate it to their career.

Alan Ball, who was on the 1966 England side that won the World Cup, recently died and every article I read about it just blows my mind.

You would think that he did nothing his entire life but be enthusiastic. That's the word I read most. He played, he managed, and he was enthusiastic. And it's not even a compliment, when you think about it, just a general description of your demeanor.

Did anyone who knew him ever ask what he liked to do after a match, or in the off-season? Did he simply roam the streets, running around enthusiastically, being scrappy and workmanlike?

There was an interview with Ball's son the day after he died and even he couldn't come up with a non-football related anecdote.

Interviewer [very somber]: And what's the best memory you have of your father?
Son: Well, this one time, we were playing football out back of the house, and...I'm sorry...
Interviewer: No, I understand, take your time.
Son: He...he was keeping the ball away from me. We must have been out there for four hours, at least.
Interviewer: Did you ever get the ball off him?
Son [pauses, looks off into the distance]: ...no. No I couldn't take the ball off him.
Interviewer: And how old were you?
Son: Eight or nine. That's my favorite memory of him. He was so enthusiastic.
Interviewer: Enthusiastic, yes.

It's not like that with European footballers. Whenever I watch a Bundesliga match the commentators always point out strange facts like, "Mertesacker missed Bremen's last two home games because he was making final edits to his new book on black holes."

I mean, half the Brazilian teams back in the 70's were licensed medical doctors, and I'm pretty sure Platini discovered the source of some Kenyan river.

What I'm saying is, English footballers need to become more well-rounded. They need to end this cycle of boiler-plate tributes and have some outside interests. Be enthusiastic, but take the boots off sometimes.

Top five English footballers with porn star names

5. Stern John (Coventry City) - That's not a nickname, his name really is Stern. His brother Strict went into the military, while his sister Permissive is "unemployed."

4. Nicky Butt (Newcastle United) - Haha, his last name is Butt!

3. Tugay (Blackburn Rovers) - You can tell me it's pronounced "Two-guy" till you're blue in the face. Your name is "Too-gay", dude, and it's awesome.

2. Steed Malbranque (Tottenham Hotspur) - Anybody named Steed is destined to either be in porn or play for Tottenham. The only difference is most people aren't ashamed to be fans of porn. Boo-ya!

1. Peter Ramage (Newcastle United) - The way Newcastle's defenders are playing this season, Ramage might be better off trying clear balls out of his own back half for a while.

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Well somehow I went from talking about the names to just slamming a couple of clubs. Oh well, go Arsenal! 3-0 over Bolton tomorrow! And they'll probably all be own goals.